bravo

So I have this issue every year... the new Top Chef season starts and I find myself resenting the cast for not being the cast the previous season whom I truly loved with all my heart and would jump in front of buses for. However with the familiar guidance of Tom, Padma and Gale I learn to admire, respect and finally love the new contestants as though it was my first Top Chef experience. Well, I don't know what it is, but it's just not happening this year! They're all too competitive, mean, manipulative, and not too entertaining. It's ruining the whole Top Chef experience which, now that LOST has ended, is my major thing to look forward to on a consistent basis. However! Thankfully this year, Bravo has done it again and has provided television for me where I can choose my favorites and hate people who I've never actually met. Has anyone been watching Work of Art? It's on Wednesday nights after Bravo and it is quickly becoming the show I look forward to on Wednesday nights. As good as it is though the fact that it's about artists in NYC pours salt directly into an open wound that I try most of the time, to ignore. It's very strange to believe in one thing so strongly your entire life and then to one day realize what it really means. I spent 22 years of my life defining myself as an actor. I was so sure of it. I still love acting and wish I could do it all the time. When I was beginning my senior year I remember when my mentor, Dr. Wortendyke were sitting in his office talking. He was telling me how good I was, blah blah and that there was going to come a time where I would have to make a choice. I was having complications of relationships at the time and he was trying to convince me to just be single and concentrate on acting. He told me I would have to choose whether I wanted to be loved my millions or just by one. I admit, that I didn't really understand what he meant at the time but I'm pretty sure I get it now. If I really wanted to be a successful, working actor then thats the only thing I could do. Forget planning a wedding. Going on a honeymoon. Deciding to have children and figuring out how the hell a lesbian couple is really supposed to go about doing that. Being pregnant, being supportive and attentive during my wife's pregnancy, standing under the Christmas Tree with a video camera to catch the look on my kid's face the first time they see what Santa can do..... being able to make Santa do what I want him to do for my kid.... teaching my kid how to throw a baseball..pick out their outfit for the first day of middle school...etc. All these things don't fit into the life of an an actor working 7 hours at their restaurant during the day and going to rehearsal for a show their getting paid for for 5 hours that night. I'd rather the love of one person. Well...maybe two or three. :) It's just hard now sometimes to to forget that I love acting so much. I can do community theatre but I think for Rach and I, something that will always bother us and get in the way of making big life decisions is that one question that we've used to define our goals since we could even think.... "Can I make it?" I think its really hard for us that now we'll never know. But now the question means something different. I wish we had years and years of training on how to live normal lives! For now, we're enjoying playing middle ground. Our life will always be an adventure, but its an adventure with each other instead of with millions. I think I like it better that way anyway. -lj

Oh my gemini girlfriend

Well after the chain of events the past 3 weeks I finally feel like i've bounced back. I must say though, it was not easy. Dealing with an injury, sickness, and then a death?? I began doubting everything. I had no clue what I was doing or why I was doing it. I wanted to be home with my family and feel sorry for myself forever. I missed my Poppy so much and although he is in a better place now with the love of his life it was really hard talking to him one day and having him be gone the next. After a week of family, lots of tears, and too much booze, I'm sure Joanna can attest that she too is happy I am back. I'll think about Poppy everyday, and although I've never been a very spiritual person I find my own way to talk to him and gram. My thumb is coming along. Still sore but everyone at works helps me out a lot =) My job really is awesome. We've been hanging out with my boss' almost every night and capped it off with an all day barbeque on the fourth of July. It was really fun, despite the downpour in the middle of the day. I've never had off on the fourth so it was cool. Wish Jo was off but she at least spent half the day with us. As Joanna mentioned she has been trying for a couple weeks now to talk me into staying in Denver. She wanted to settle down, go back to school, get married, have a baby.... ya know... all the fears someone at my age has haha. So it was taking me time to try and figure out what I wanted. I really have been leaning towards teaching. I think it would be an awesome and extremely rewarding job. However, the only way that I can commit to something is if I'm passionate about it. And that stupid little acting bug still holds some passion. So until I am at peace with that, I don't think i'll get very far. But then to my surprise..... duh duh dah!!... my little gemini girlfriend changed her mind!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!!! thank god. All that "figuring out my life" talk was really getting me down haha. So the adventure shall continue. Like she said of course we are going to to get attached to people. But I'm looking at it as all the great people we will get to meet! And the amazing places we will see. If it's going this well so far it can only get better =) We've been pretty responsible thus far so the next leg of the trip we will make even better decisions!! Hope everyone had a good fourth of july weekend. It was great seeing everyone that I did while on the east coast. Hopefully we can both make it home soon. xxoo

hello again

it seems that all my blog entries are continuing to get further and further apart. I've been working a ton, making a lot of money but a lot of my time is spent at the restaurant so I find myself wanting to do other things besides blogging on my time off. I had written an entry a few days ago and it was a damn good one too, but my internet connection knocked out when I tried to post it and it was lost in blogspot history forever. I wrote about how Rach and I went and saw Toy Story 3. It was an absolutely amazingly touching and entertaining movie. I cried. I didn't tear. I cried a lot. Go see it. We also recently saw the new Twilight movie. I don't know why we like them so much but we really really do. Maybe it's all the excessively attractive people running around. We really like going to the movies. Our next movie is going to be Despicable Me. I think its Pixar. It looks hilarious and Pixar is our favorite. It opens Friday and I'm very excited. We've been toying with whether we want to stay in Denver and go back to school here or continue on our adventure. It's hard to leave somewhere you like so much and are already comfortable in but what did we think was going to happen? We'd hate it everywhere and be happy to move on? If we continue, we will get attached to things and people everywhere we go. It's something that we didn't really see coming because we were so concerned with saying goodbye to the things we were already attached to. I don't think it occurred to either of us too much that we would have to prepare ourselves for goodbyes all over again. If we leave, which I am in favor of, it will be at the end of august. At first I was the one who wanted to stay and tried to convince Rachel to feel the same. One night of watching Travel Channel for a few hours because of an unexpected, and I think undeserved, hangover, I'm back in adventure mode and ready so experience everything I can. I think Rach is still trying to determine her route of happiness with the situation. It doesn't help that I made some pretty solid arguments against us leaving. Dug myself a little hole there. But whatever we decide, we'll decide together. If we do leave I'd like to go to Seattle. San Fran was what we were talking about earlier but need to consider the cost of living there is very expensive. We have some research to do and would love imput if anyone has any ideas. Hope everyone is well and everyone should to see the new Toy Story. -lj